Entry #5: People Of Burdale

• The Wildwood Man has essentially become the mascot of Burdale. He/it is a wild man/sasquatch who has been spotted in Hale Forest Park for hundreds of years. He is so celebrated by the Burdale community, that there is a yearly street festival in his honor. In 1972, a statue of him was erected at the edge of Hale Forest Park, across from The Burdale Bar.

• Burdale Barkeep is a large, silver haired, mountain-man looking human who has lived above the Burdale Bar for… well nobody quite knows how long, but behind the counter there’s a photo of four gentlemen standing in front of the tavern - the photo is dated April 9, 1859, and the Barkeep is smack dab in the middle of it. I believe the Barkeep is actually Barty Aldrich, the owner of the tavern in 1864 and one of the three surviving members of the Sickened Seven. Obviously that would make him over 150 years old, but I've seen the photo. That's him.

• “The Witch Lady” is a woman who has been spotted around Burdale for generations, particularly around Conjure Mountain and Hale Forest Park. I believe The Witch Lady is Birdie Baker, the widow of Pete Baker, one of the miners killed during The Conjure Quake Event in 1864. Birdie was one of the Sickened Seven who climbed Conjure Mountain after the quake, and one of only three who survived the strange sickness that killed most of the group.

  Obviously, Birdie Baker should be long dead by now. But sightings of The Witch Lady have continued for generations, and somehow the descriptions barely change. Same woman. Same appearance. There are also stories connecting The Witch Lady to deaths and disappearances around Hale Forest Park, particularly near the location of The Light Beam Incident. I've heard some pretty fucked up explanations for what she supposedly does out there, including stories about human sacrifices somehow keeping her young. I can't prove The Witch Lady is Birdie Baker, but Birdie survived something on Conjure Mountain that killed almost everyone else who went up there with her, and then a woman matching her description keeps showing up around Burdale for the next 150 years. You tell me.

• Sheriff Glenn Bank IV is the supposed great great grandson of Deputy Glenn Bank I, the third of three surviving members of the Sickened Seven. Each of the four Glenn Banks have become sheriff of Never County and have remained sheriff until the next Glenn Bank was elected sheriff. Some other strange things:

  • All Glenn Banks look identical.

  • No two Glenn Banks have ever been seen together in public.

  • None of the Glenn Banks have ever married, despite each of them having one son.

  So let me get this straight. Barty Aldrich, Birdie Baker, and Glenn Bank were the only three people who went up Conjure Mountain in 1864 and didn't die from whatever they were exposed to. Now we've got a Barkeep who looks exactly like Barty Aldrich did before the quake, a Witch Lady who I believe is Birdie Baker, and four generations of identical Glenn Banks who are never seen together. Yeah. I'm sure that's nothing.

• “Whispers” is... me. My friends called me Whispers in school because... I don't know, I guess I whisper what I say back to myself sometimes or whatever. I work at the Burdale Historical Association, as I am very interested in Burdale's history... as well as its mysteries.

• Mr. Trenchcoat is a mysterious dark figure who wears a black trenchcoat and long brimmed hat. He's only seen out of the corner of your eye for a split second, but is nowhere to be found when you direct your gaze. To the children in town, he’s become a sort of boogeyman. The adults pretend he doesn't exist, but they've all caught a glimpse of him at one point or another.

• Nelson Myers was the owner of The Spiral Staircase which was a shop of oddities and curiosities before it burned down in 1964. He died on July 5, 1964 in the fire that destroyed The Spiral Staircase. Though Nelson's body was recovered, his young son William was never found.

• Clifford Von Brahm was the leader - or at least the public leader - of a cult in the 60’s that attempted to perform a mass suicide in Hale Forest Park. This mass suicide was thwarted by Jessica Newman, a newly joined member of the cult. I've found information suggesting Clifford may not have actually been the person calling the shots. There are some very strange connections between the cult and The Witch Lady, and I believe Clifford and Birdie were lovers. I'll get more into that eventually. Clifford was shot by an off-duty Sheriff's Deputy on the corner of Cliffside Drive and Birdview Street, a coincidence that isn't lost on anyone in the know.

• Wallet is a thief who works at the front desk of The Somewhere Motel. He once stole a cab driver’s wallet, so his friends started calling him “Wallet”. The name stuck.

• Samuel Tripp Loch aka “Mayor Tripp” has been the mayor of Burdale since 1987. He was elected at 34 years old, defeating the incumbent of the previous eight years, Meowty McFly, who was a cat. Unfortunately, Meowty didn’t live long after his defeat.

  • “Vote for Tripp, he’s a trip!”

  • “Meowty for Mayor: He’s Got Nine Lives of Experience!”

  Mayor Tripp’s family opened Spectral Spectacles amusement park in 1962, and he inherited it in the mid 1970’s. Inspired by Jimmy Carter giving up his prized peanut farm upon being elected president in 1976, Mayor Tripp stepped down as owner and operator of the park during his mayoral run in 1987. Ownership was passed to his younger brother, Simon Tripp, who operates the park to this day. I, personally, love the place.

• Gary Prichard is a local conspiracy theorist who has spent decades trying to prove that some author named Jonathan Gray murdered Tommy Hart. He drives around in this beat-up old van with “JONATHAN GRAY KILLED TOMMY HART” painted all over it. Gary claims this Gray guy wrote a biography about Hart that contains information only Hart's killer could have known, as well as some kind of coded confession. He also really wants everyone to “READ PAGE 147”. Look, I'm not one to judge someone for going down a rabbit hole, but Gary... come on, man.

• Too-Tall Little Joe is the director of the senior center and community garden. He was tiny as a child so his family called him "Little" Joe.... that was before his growth spurt. When he grew to 6ft 2in, everyone started calling him "Too-Tall Little Joe".

• Buddy Pal is the owner of the Arboreal Art Gallery, the local art gallery located on Cliffside Drive. He is a painter/sculptor/poet whose artistic muse is the mysterious Wildwood Man. He designed the statue that sits across from the Burdale Bar.

• Willie "Nine Iron" Haines is another one of Burdale's more colorful residents. You'll probably hear him before you see him. He's usually wandering around Bridwell Park, yelling at passing cars and swinging a fucking nine iron around. There's a rumor he used to play professional baseball, although I've never found anything to substantiate that. Willie once told me he played for the LA Dodgers in 1979. He also told me the moon was made of mayonnaise, so take that for what it's worth. For the record, Willie, I went to school. You can stop yelling at me.